Full Length Photo

You don’t really see many “full body” shots on my Instagram. The reason is simple: I’m always unhappy with them. “I’m too fat,” I tell myself. I’m too this, or I’m too that… never good enough, never fit enough.

Since lockdown ended, I’ve been working hard to stay diligent on my goals. This includes workouts, nutrition, and personal habits.

Workouts are extremely consistent now and will remain so and continue to improve as I up the volume. I am now working with my coach two times a week one-on-one for the remainder of the year, in addition to classes.

Nutrition has been a bigger win, as I’ve tightened up the food intake. Truth is, I noted the biggest change today. It’s cheat day, and I was having a summer craving for hot dogs. So I made hot dogs. I had two. Two hot dogs. Normally I would just go ahead and drop 3-4 hot dogs on my plate and wolf them down. Instead, I’m teaching myself moderation.

So I’m making progress. Mentally, physically… so why do I get so anxious when I post a picture that shows more of me than chest-up? It’s mostly because I feel like a failure in some ways. I’ve been on my fitness journey for a little over four years now, and I’m just not where I want to be. I feel like I’ve backslid too much, I feel like I’m not measuring up to my own expectations that I set a few years ago.

I look in the mirror, and I smile, happy with the progress I’ve made recently. Then I see a picture of myself, and beat myself up.

The truth is, I spent 38 years breaking down my body. My family spent 38 years breaking down my mind. I believed I was a failure because I was told I was, over and over again, from the days when I was a kid. “You’re fat, that’s just how it is,” is what I was told over and over. Never encouragement, always a brow beating. So it is no surprise that I still beat myself up.

So I’ve spent all this time breaking down, and I did break to the point of burning to ashes. I was on a fast decline to not being here anymore, and I brought myself back from the cliff with the help and support of a handful of people who truly believed in me.

Now, four years later, I’ve started really rethinking my goals. My coach has been really helpful in getting me to think about this. I’ve set some goals for this year, but that’s just the beginning… I’ve got big goals, physically and mentally.

So I beat myself up. I do it a lot less than I used to. I’ve realized that I can do a lot more than I thought I could, and I know as my weight goes down and my athleticism goes up, I won’t let anything stand in my way. I’ve been thinking a lot about my body language in and out of the gym; I am slumped, I am hunched.

It’s time for me to kick my ass with some positivity. This won’t happen overnight, it will take time. Little by little, I will learn to love myself and become my own super hero. So I’m going to post more pictures where I may not feel they are completely flattering, but they are real. It will also serve as a progression as I go from where I am now to leaned down athlete box jumping high boxes, swinging from the rig, and squatting heavy af weights.

It’s all part of the 2020 motto: Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable.

Let’s get it!